The Tooth Hurts: I Feel Your Pain

In Los Angeles, there is a prominent billboard that advertises “Total Sleep Dentistry.” On it is an exceptionally beautiful, hot young blonde (is there any other kind?) wearing a red polka dot bikini (or is it a thong with spandex pasties?) and a glistening smile.

Her blinding whites radiate joy in a sparkling movie star on the silver screen kind of way - as if stroked by a caress - not from a toothbrush, but from Tinkerbell’s magic wand.

The giant message in the sky obscuring my sunlight and scenic view goes on to promise 1) NO pain, 2) NO memory, 3) NO suffering, 4) NO lie!

Whew! Talk about promises, promises! NO lie? Forget about our paltry fibs: “The refund check is in the mail,” “I texted you to cancel the wedding, didn’t you get it?” “Sorry, the computers have been down all morning,” and (my personal fave) “Big deal, I’m five hours late. There was traffic.”

Cross your heart and hope to die (pleasantly, of course). You will have NO pain during the usual emotional and physical torture of being pinned down in a particularly cold Naugahyde dentist chair while highly sensitive and personal parts of your pie hole are summarily cut, gouged, scraped and excavated.

Guess we can kiss the age old "No pain, No gain" philosophy goodbye.  If innovation and technology can bring us the glorious benefits of sweet air sedation dentistry, then perhaps there are no limits.

 One can dream! How about “NO Pain Puberty,” “Total Sleep Marriage,” “NO Memory Divorce,” “NO Anguish Parenting,” “NO Suffering Family Funerals,” and “Carefree Chemotherapy?”

You decide. “NO lie,” or “No life?” In any case, a honking dose of laughing gas is always a welcome caller at my daily carnival of trials and tribulations.