TEXTS To My Vacationing Spouse

When your spouse vacations without you…

and you are stuck at home

holding down the fort.

WISH YOU WERE HERE

Dear Hubby,

Everything has been boffo at home.

Glad you’re off on a once-in-a-lifetime bucket list trip to Italy with your Dad and brothers.

I hear Lake Como is a blast this time of year. Say “Hi” to George Clooney and the Isle of Capri for me.

“HOW’S IT GOING?” YOU ASK

The pets miss you. The cat is having severe allergy attacks again with daily diarrhea, projectile hairballs, and chunky vomiting - but no worry. The emergency vet who is treating the dog for the injuries he sustained from his impulsive behavior with the mail carrier is also providing 24-hour medical care for the cat.

Guess what? Our beautiful new roof leaked like hell yesterday - but I’m told that’s not unusual in a Hurricane Cat 3 that spawns a tornado. C’est la vie.

The 125 mph winds shredded your Dallas Cowboys flag that you display so proudly on our house. The pole flew across the street and catapulted through that nasty neighbor’s custom etched glass window. No lawsuits yet… fingers crossed.

OMG! Tragedy of tragedies! The coffee machine broke. It just conked out. No, coffee, was ,coming, out.

I’ve quit cigarettes and crack, but a day without caffeine really brought me to my knees. Thank God for Starbucks - but why don’t they deliver? At least in a pinch or a health crisis?

Dang, I got Covid again - probably from the 24-hour plumber who came when the sewer flooded the rec room. Looks like - sadly - your collection of vintage soccer memorabilia took a hit.

CARETAKER

As the sole caretaker of our three feral children and your dear elderly aunt, I realize I am truly blessed.

I don’t want to ruin your one and only vacation with the boys but…

… your sweet yet tipsy aunt had a mishap - an unfortunate incident - to put it gently - she’s no longer with us… physically that is. Her passion for Harvey Wallbangers seemed to exceed all common sense. Balconies can be dangerous. We humans were not meant to fly.

God bless her.

She is in our hearts always … as you are.

BELOVED

Miss you madly!

Can’t wait ‘til you’re home - when, as you know, it will be my turn to spend some trip time with my gal pals.

Ooh La La! Paris here we come!

Ciao, Baby, Ciao :-)