Dear FOOD NETWORK
Dear Food Network,Thank you for teaching my kids how to cook fancy schmancy.The vast culinary knowledge they have acquired lounging in front of the TV and laptop (love your website) has raised the chow bar to quite a sophisticated level.Unfortunately, they leave 99% of the actual cooking to moi. 
I can no longer pawn turkey hot dogs, tuna sandwiches, or cans of noodle soup off as a meal.They expect me to produce gourmet cuisine in the ten minutes I have between finishing work and chauffeuring them to soccer lacrosse baseball cheerleader band practice.They insist upon extraneous stuff like orange zest and maple glaze on their friggin' Cheerios.They now require more "complex flavors" in their lousy lasagna. Pull-ease!They expect 7-tier red velvet birthday cakes with homemade (my home!) ganache and raspberry filling and fu*!ing fondant.
They critique my plating skills for God's sake!
Wonder why there's an obesity epidemic?Maybe it's all that butter, cream, and sugar? I'm talking to you Ina Garten The Barefoot Contessa, Duff Goldman, Guy Fieri!The latest lure is Kid's Baking Championship where chef tweens compete creating food dishes that would shame your best local restaurant.
I am personally not prepared to blowtorch bell peppers or ramekins of creme brulee in my crappy little kitchen.I do not own restaurant grade appliances. I wouldn't know an industrial ice cream maker or compressor from a crock pot.Enough with all the brining, carmelizing, deglazing, and clarifying!Maybe I'll walk into fix breakfast tomorrow a.m. and learn I've been CHOPPED?One can only hope.
Barb Best feels your pain. An Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner, her comedy material has been performed on stage and TV and published in numerous print and online publications. Her popular humor blog appears at BarbBest.com and Alltop. Look for her new book coming out in 2015: Find Your Funny: The LOL Survival Guide for Teens with Dr. Joanne Jackal.