7 GEMS from "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

It's season 3 of Bravo's RHOBH and don't ya jest love it?Like most truly cheesy TV, "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" is provocative, potent, and chock full of teaching moments.We are now blessed with 7 RHOBHs: Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Taylor Armstrong, Brandi Glanville, and Yolanda Foster.BTW their combined ages are over 320 years.SO they certainly can teach us a thing or two... or 7.*****1. ENTERTAINMENT IS PRICELESSRHOBH instructs us how we, too, can aspire to the giddy heights of crassness.Crass: lacking sensitivity, refinement, or intelligenceRHOBH is junk food for the soul. It titillates you as it strokes your funny bone. It's "Mean Girls" trash TV at it's silliest and often dumbest.And it's LOL amusing!For these 7 Beverly Hills chicks, adolescence apparently reasserts it's ugly head (butt?) at times of grave peril - like perimenopause and menopause. The hormonal dirty bomb is ticking in a hot flash for these good time gals.Lisa Vanderpump is the salvation. Her commentary drips with playful sarcasm and irony. She mercifully lets the audience know she (thank God) is in on the joke.Lisa sums up the kooky goings-on in a tidy nutshell: "It is what it is."Wink. Wink.*****2. VALUESIn the words of our favorite RHOBH junior smart ass and loose lipped cannon, Brandi Glanville:"Money doesn't buy you class, it just gives you money."Wisdom indeed. Oh, Brandi... you give without taking.RHOBH - of course - is all about the big bucks. Success (aka your value) is measured by the perception of your wealth, the size of your shoe room, and the garish birthday carnivals you throw for your snotty three year old.*****3. PERSEVERANCE"I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now." - Taylor ArmstrongWhere's "home" for poor Taylor anyway?Her vapid eyes suggest a foreclosure.Taylor is one discount Amtrak fare away from being a total bullet train wreck. Seems there is an ugly price to be paid when your raison d'etre is your friggin' zip code.So what if you lose a husband (and the father of your child) to divorce and suicide? It's collateral damage, darling.The pain is palpable on her distorted visage, but that doesn't stop this harpy from being as phony as a knock-off Louis Vuitton.The good news? After being as thin as a vanilla wafer for months, she has finally gained 10 pounds. Where? In her upper lip?If there is any justice, Hoover will name a travel vacuum after her.*****4. BALANCE"What planet are these women from?" - Yolanda FosterWho knows? It's as if an alien race of aging ex-porn stars were dropped from Uranus (on their heads) upon the glistening sidewalks of Beverly Hills and the golden sands of Bu."Help! I've fallen into the black hole of celebrity suck and Hollywood hype - and I can't get up."A word about Adrienne Maloof... She's so tightly wound these days, she may pop a row of stitches on both faces. Yes, she is a hard working business woman who earns her luxurious lifestyle, but lately she has been ridiculously competitive and mindlessly petty. Could be the divorce stress. The ex-Mr. Meatloaf is going to miss the plush limos and private jets.*****5. HARMONYKim Richards appears more fragile than a cracked Faberge egg in a California earthquake.Is it possible she made more sense when she was drunk as a skunk? Note to producers: Her incoherent ramblings need subtitles.Perhaps rehab facilities should have a minimum stay policy and a mandatory exit exam?Siblings can appreciate the skill with which Sister Kyle throws high-octane gasoline on Kim's eternal flames of insecurity. Way to go, Sis!Explains Kyle's inexplicable superiority complex and that unsightly chip on her sober shoulder.You know it's bad when Kathy Hilton makes an appearance to plug her clothing line and comes off like Mother Theresa.*****6. REDEMPTIONRedemption thy name is - believe it or not - Camille Grammer. Yes, she makes an occasional brunch cameo on RHOBH and is a breath of sanity in the shallow chaos. Seems she has risen above the humiliation of her ex's brutal celebrity dumping with grace and humility. She feels your pain.*****7. FEMALE ROLE MODELSSeeing the young daughters of various RHOBHs interact with their mothers on the show, you will no doubt wonder what the future holds for them. Decades of cosmetic surgery and inane shopping?Are they one sex tape away from their own personal jack-off pots of greater fame and fortune?And why not? Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are royalty.“I hope she'll be a fool -- that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great GatsbyI Feel Your Pain by Barb Best is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License